It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
