I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
