In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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