girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
COCAINE IS GR8
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
