I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
