Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So squirting runs in the family.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
