this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
