My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
