i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
