Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I deserve this hangover.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
