Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
