We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
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