we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
