The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
