No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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