Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
