I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i will never coherently bang her
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
