im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
