Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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