come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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