I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
