Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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