I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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