I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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