..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
