I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
