when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I need to sanitize my soul.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
