I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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