Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
