she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i drank out of a bidet.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
