I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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