Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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