so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
