where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my phone needs a breathalizer
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Randomize
