pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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