just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
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