im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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