i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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