Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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