The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
