If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
