I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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