i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
