How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
