My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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