Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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