So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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