Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
