I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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