I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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