oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
