Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
